Posted by: seekingacademia | May 6, 2009

Gin and Tonic

So, first off, thank you to everyone for your moving advice. all very helpful!

I have finished my first paper and have one more due in a couple days, that I hope to finish the majority of today. After I write this post of course 😉

So, Gin. Not the alcoholic kind of course. And I guess that would make me the tonic? I don’t know, I will probably not make much sense here, so at least you’ve been warned.

I am conflicted about Gin. I am very physically attracted to Gin. I like Gin as a person. I respect Gin. I am intellectually attracted to him. I don’t know if I am spiritually attracted to him. I know that though I speak of these kinds of attraction as discrete categories, that they are not, and are overlapping, etc. I just don’t know about the whole religion thing. What have I said so far? I don’t know, I am too lazy to go back and check. He grew up Catholic. Chose to be reconfirmed, etc at age 17/18. Would go to church all the time in college. At a particular point, he stopped going. He says that he still prays everyday. He doesn’t go right now. Though he says that he wants to raise his kids that way. He says his mom is very Catholic, and though his dad didn’t believe, he liked that his dad agreed with those morals, etc and that it makes for a good moral upbringing. I worry that he will be okay with that situation again, ie a very Catholic/religious partner, and he respects it, but doesn’t necessarily believe it, you know? Why does this matter to me? My non-religious friends, some tell me that since this seems so important to me, I should do a Christian dating site. Some say that when you meet people they are not always the way you want/expect them to be. I told my bible study group last night. With very few details. The bible study I’m in is Christian grad student women. I am the oldest among them, most are 22-23. One is 25. We were talking about prayer requests at the end, and one of the girls, 25, was saying how she and her boyfriend are looking at rings and needed guidance, etc. And one of the 22 year olds was saying how she misses her new boyfriend and how they are getting serious. And I asked for them to pray for me as I am maybe starting a new relationship and I am unsure. Of course they got all excited and started asking me questions. And one of the girls asked me if he loved Jesus. And I said, well, he grew up Catholic, etc etc. And then she said, Proceed with caution. And that just started me thinking. I mean yes, I want to date a strong Christian man. And that is/was one of my concerns when we first started talking/going out. But at the same time, I realize, and maybe this is b/c I’m older, I don’t know, that not everyone is always as strong a Christian as they could be, as they have been, as they will be. I went through times when I did not go to church at all. At the same time, I always felt the desire/urge/guilt something like I should go, like I was missing something, and when I would go back, it was always like, whoa, look what I’ve been missing, what took me so long to get here! What if he is just okay about not going, you know? I know what you might be thinking, well JustMe, why don’t you ask him! Ok, yah, I should. I will. I am scared b/c of what happened with the Boy. I am scared of getting serious and him pulling away. I am scared of him rejecting me when he finds out my issues. I am scared of him rejecting me when he finds out my issues mean I prolly can’t have kids. I am scared of him rejecting me period. And I know, everyone is scared of that, sure. I feel like I should tell him my issues. But then Bee says not to try and scare him away, so that if he will hurt me he hurts me now rather than later. Yah, I don’t know. I am just so confused. I go from giddy to sad to depressed like everyday.

He called me last night. It was good. We talked and it was good. When we were trying to figure out when to see each other before I leave for a couple weeks, first he said he could do tonight. Then at the end when I asked him around what time  (so i could plan my work) he’s like, well let me just call you and i’m not sure I can even see you b/c i have to go to the gym after work, then the grocery to buy stuff to then cook for our potluck at work tomorrow. And I was like, ok, that’s fine. While inside thinking…”can’t you try to make an effort to see me, wouldn’t you try harder if you really wanted to see me?” But maybe I am expecting him to act in way that’s not him, that society says should be him otherwise “maybe he’s just not that into me” and heck, maybe he isn’t. in which case, i wish i could just know.

Anyway, that’s where I am. Wondering if this is what God wants me to be doing right now, or if I am just following my own physical and emotional desires. And also questioning where Gin’s mind is in all of this.

What I *should* do is not think about this anymore, and concentrate on work. And finish it soon. And then do the lots and lots of things I need to do before the move happens… I wish that really would happen instead of my emotions being on a constant roller-coaster.

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Responses

  1. The roller coaster is, in some ways, the worst feeling!! But then there are the delicious highs and the excited twisting in your tummy.

    All that to say, you do make sense. Be clear, primarily with yourself, about what you want from/in him spiritually–one of the greatest mistakes we make is hoping people will change later.

  2. btw, though i don’t relish your anxiety, you are soooooo making me remember those early on, nervous, achy, wonderful, terrible, thrilling, fluttery feelings. It makes me smile.


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