Posted by: seekingacademia | April 9, 2009

Some Thoughts on an Unproductive Day

This post might meander, brace yourselves.

Today was meant to be productive. I woke up rather early with no alarm, which I prefer, since I hate waking up to an alarm, I wish I could wake up everyday whenever my body felt like it.

Then the roofer guy came finally, because the roof in my bathroom is leaking. He had to take out the light fixture and look up into the attic b/c there is no crawlspace…anyway, what resulted was a one foot high, NO JOKE, pile of grey dust, which I later learned to be insulation, on my bathroom floor, In my sink, on my toilet….yah. That took forever to clean up. And I kept stripping down layers to do it. First shoes. Then robe, then socks, then pants. I swept and mopped and swept some more but it was still everywhere. I finally got down on my knees picking up pieces of insulation dust with wet paper towels. I did the floor and hallway floor. The sink I decided to do later I was so tired. Then I went out into my garage, which had bunches of insulation dust all around. Great. Aren’t you like not supposed to breathe in insulation? Or is that only the pink one I’m familiar with from California? I feel like there is fiberglass in insulation. Am I making that up? Just decided to google it, and apparently grey insulation does not contain fiberglass. Lets hope that’s true. In any case, I wore a bandanna cowboy style over my mouth as I cleaned. Thing is, I have a large carpet mat in my garage for shoes, etc. And the dust was all up in there. Since its fricking snowing outside, I couldn’t really bring it out and hose it down. So I decided to cut up a cardboard box and lay it over the large mat until the weather improves. At this point. I’m wearing panties and a shirt. No shoes, no pants. The stuff just kept sticking to my clothes so I kept taking things off and throwing it in the washer. So there I am on my garage floor, butt towards the door, cutting up cardboard. It was at this moment I realized how undressed I was and that my garage door contains windows and that I really hoped no neighbors came by at that time. Though it would make for a better story, none did. I was so wiped after moving shoe racks and the table to put the cardboard on that I just went upstairs to rest. And then somehow, it became 7pm. I will say, I did watch Friday Night Lights and the last two episodes of Chuck, so the time did go somewhere, just no where productive.

And as I was watching, I was thinking. Always multitasking. Never very successfully. Anyway, I was thinking about Gin. And boys in general. As I was on the computer watching tv, someone from the dating site IM’d me. And we talked for a minute or two, we had talked before. And he asked me out and I said no. And Gin emailed me today, just a link about something, and I keep checking my email, in fact the mere typing mention of email made my eye glance down to my dock to see if I had any new messages. The answer is nope. Anyway, I am very attracted to him. I don’t know how this happened. When I’m looking at him I just lose track of time. This doesn’t make much sense. So I told him on our second date that I wanted to take things very slowly. We hugged at the end of each date, but that was it. The first date was a quick hug. And we would hug on greeting. At the end of the second date, it was a bit longer hug. During the third date, we went to see a movie and then dinner. My heart was pounding sitting next to him. It was so weird. I was just thinking, why am I feeling this way. Why am I so attracted to him. Is this just physical? I was hoping he’d try to hold my hand or something (wow, this sounds so lame, like so high school…feel free to laugh at me, just don’t tell me you’re laughing and leave me with some dignity.) During the movie at one point, when I had finally got up the nerve to put my arm on the arm rest, he touched my arm for a second, or two. Yes, that sounds lame, whatever, leave me alone. Anyway, we ate dinner, then he dropped me off. We hugged, it was a longer hug. Then we hugged again. Then he picked me up. I think that was the order. He was talking to me, but I can’t for the life of me remember what about or if I made any sense at all. At one point, I was like, o my gosh, he is sort of holding my hand here. How did this happen? I should invite him in, no I shouldn’t. I didn’t in the end. Anyway, my point is this. I have no memory of talking, but I know I was talking. I remember being like, I hope whatever I’m saying makes sense here b/c I can’t think anything other than wow, my heart sure is beating fast. What is the point in all this? I’m not really sure. This has never really happened to me. Not even with the Boy. I mean, when we were kissing or something, sure, I would be excited, but I would never lose my memory or anything, you know? So the point I’m trying to make here is, I think at least, that I am scared by how attracted to him I am. I am scared of getting hurt again. I am scared that this is just physical and I am going down a path of getting hurt. So I figured I should maybe think about what exactly I like about him.

Let me start by saying that I am also afraid of getting ahead of myself, and seeing/feeling something that isn’t there. Also, I am afraid of being rejected again for my health issues that scared the Boy away.

So right, here’s what I like. I’m trying to be rational here. (Which is really odd b/c in my academic studies, I see rationality as a masculinist myth that is constructed and we are taught not to just listen to our feelings or go with our emotions….hmm, then why do I turn to rationality to try to figure out what I should do? I have no idea. I’m just complex that way I guess. Whatever, moving on.)

  • he is open minded. Likes to talk/discuss things
  • he is funny, always makes me laugh
  • he’s liberal, into green stuff, sustainability, etc
  • he cares about other people, seems compassionate. ie he explained why he buys organic bananas. he knows that it doesn’t really matter so much with bananas, but it’s only 20 cents extra, and he’s willing to pay 20 cents extra if it means someone’s dad doesn’t come home covered in pesticides and his family gets sick
  • he is not anti-feminism, is in fact receptive to it, i would say he has feminist leanings
  • he takes marriage seriously. he told me that he is not on a timeline, ie get married right now, b/c it is a serious decision and he would rather be single his entire life than marry the wrong person
  • hmm, this is hard. I keep thinking of “he’s so cute” “his eyes are so nice” and when we’re in the car and he sings, he is so cute.

Yah, I don’t know that I’ve come to any conclusions with that list. Perhaps that I need to know him better. And that perhaps it is wise to keep taking it slow. I haven’t told him about anything yet. ie issues re: me. he knows about my dad b/c he was having surgery on one of our dates and I felt like I had to explain since I would normally not answer the phone…

Where was I? I don’t know. I am scared of setting myself up for hurt again. What is this, you know? First, with  that other guy, Nick, when I told him I wasn’t interested, I think he was shocked. Like he thought we were already in some sort of relationship. And Gin has mentioned stuff, in joke though, like well, I can’t remember the words exactly, but the gist being: we’re in a relationship. like he would say something outrageous in joke, and I would say, sorry, i don’t think this is going to work if you think that, and he would say, oh, you’re quick to get out of this relationship. something along those lines. Usually, in my limited experience, there is a “what is this talk, ie is this a relationship.” And then maybe I think I am getting ahead of myself. Like maybe I should be more patient, and not bring it up? Maybe I am subconsciously wanting things to go faster. I should take things slow. I am just not a slow person. I even talk fast. I get excited about things and jump right in. Perhaps I should ease myself into the pool and not jump into the deep end. or even the shallow end.

Ok yah, so I’m sure this giant ramble distracted people, oh say, three paragraphs ago. But yah, these are my scattered thoughts. I don’t want to establish a physical relationship too soon, however one defines that, b/c sometimes I think that can lead you to trust the person without necessarily building the foundation for it and you find yourself being too intimate before its time, you know? What do my friends say? That is the hard one. B/c my girls here, who I love, are not religious. So they don’t get that part of my struggle. And just tell me to have fun and take things slow. I am afraid to ask my Christian friends from college becuase I feel like they will tell me, not that I know, this is purely speculative, that I shouldn’t try to date someone who is not a strong Christian, with the hope that he will become one, that whole unequally yoked thing and all. So yah, maybe that means something? Or maybe that means nothing…

Anyone who’s still here, do I sound completely insane?

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Responses

  1. You don’t sound insane! You sound excited. That’s awesome! Hope things keep going well. 🙂

  2. thanks luckybuzz, i hope you’re right, that i’m not insane. 😉

  3. No!

    And if you are, I hope I’m not co-signing when I say that reading how you feel around and about gin has my heart fluttering and actually elicited a sigh from my cynical self.

    I haven’t dated in years, so this is vicarious excitement.

  4. thanks elle…. glad i can give you some vicarious excitement 🙂


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