Posted by: seekingacademia | November 11, 2008

Hmm, rethinking the date post

Ok, before you judge the situation, let me tell you more story. I had the ladies over, including new friend Alba, last night for pumpkin pie making. Alba knew this guy from before (this is her third year here). She didn’t want to tell me this before I went out with him so she would not influence me, which in retrospect I wish she had sort of, but her point was very valid, that it’s his prerogative to tell me. Though I must say, it has made me more sympathetic.

Alba told me that he came here because of his wife wanting to. They were living together with another couple, one of whom was a member of our department. His wife started cheating on him with another guy and kicked him out of the apartment they were sharing. Apparently, she had done so once before in their Home Country before they were to come here but they decided to work through it. When wife kicked him out, her new boyfriend moved in. Alba, whom I love, has met the wife and characterizes her as “horrible and an asshole.” Which sounds about right. Infidelity is a big thing to me.

So, what does this change? Well, it makes sense and is more plausible that he has the same view of marriage that I do, since were I in his position, I couldn’t see any other action, besides you know, hurrying up with the divorce/annulment. Also, Alba, who is also from South America, explained that it is probably is difficult to get a divorce when you are not U.S. citizens and haven’t been back to your home country yet.

So my conclusions? I emailed him and thanked him for the mix CD he gave me. A one line email basically. If he does ask me out again, I will stand by my position that though I like him and would be interested in getting to know him better, I do not feel comfortable dating him while he is still separated, despite it being a  de facto divorce type situation. And I am fine with being friends/friendly for now. And I am not going to be sitting around waiting for him to get officially divorced or anything.

So that is that. I am now more sympathetic to his situation, and I guess what has changed is that I would re-consider dating him again in the future if circumstances changed. Oh yah, and a better explanation on the stand-up too would be nice!

Just wanted you all to have the full picture.

Now to read and go to campus for class and another date.



  1. I think it’s good that you’re more sympathetic to his situation, and I also think it’s good to stand by the issues that are important to you.

    Thanks for the update!

  2. Here’s the thing, though. Whenever anyone describes how terrible his Ex is, don’t you wonder why he married her in the first place? Seems like he’s got some big issues to work through …. and since they aren’t even divorced yet, it’s unlikely he’s worked through them.

  3. I’m coming into this late, but I read through the last few posts and I have to agree with what jo(e) just said. Also, it would suck to have a borderline romantic friendship with this guy (knowing that the not-yet-divorce is a dealbreaker until it’s final) that might 1. prevent you from starting a relationship with someone else that might have a greater chance of success or 2. get really awkward if you do start dating someone else. I smell drama.

    That said, it sounds like your social life is going really well. It can be so hard to make friends in a new place, so good for you. 🙂

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