Posted by: seekingacademia | November 10, 2008

Date Post, Take 2

Ok, so first off, can I just say I LOVE you guys?! Seriously. I was pissed and you all commented like crazy with lovely things, including ditches and toe tags, which seriously made me laugh. So thank you.

I received an I’m sorry email the morning after stating he had to help his roommate with some personal issue. I decided to give another chance and agreed to meet him after a department function at 7 for drinks. Kind of early, I know, but whatever, it’s my schedule now!

So first odd thing, when I got to the bar, he kissed me on the cheek hello. Well fine, I will just assume that is how people say good bye/hello in your country. We do two, not with everyone, but whatever.

I asked what happened last night, feigning some concern to see if he would tell me in detail. Vague answer, basically, that he was helping his roommate with something that was very personal. Whatever, I’m not asking you to betray roommate’s confidences or anything. The married thing came up right away (you guys are so smart!). When I asked how he came to arrive in this sort of unknown place from South America, he mentioned his ex-brother in law, so I took that chance to ask and he said he had been married before. So here’s the story. He was with this woman for 7 years, the last two of which were married. They separated about 11 months ago. They are not divorced. Because “it’s too hard to do since they are both from his home country.” She is still here, in another department, getting her PhD. Awkward.

Ok, first, do I have on my forehead, written in invisible ink discerable to only married men, “I will fall for you”…? I mean, seriously. But on the upside, at least this guy was honest about it, unlike Mr. Married of yore.

Anyway, for me the separated thing is even more of a big deal than the potential divorce thing. Also, he grew up Catholic but identified as Atheist at home, and says that here feels more agnostic/questioning. Yah, so it was bit awkward to have a marriage conversation on the first date. Cuz then he asked me what my views on marriage were. I and said how for me, it was important to have a traditional Catholic wedding, with the marriage as a sacrament, and that there would be only a couple reasons that I would consider ok for me personally to end a marriage. And then he told me that this is how he views marriage now too, that he also wants to get married in church (previous was a civil wedding) because it’s aesthetically nice. And so I felt like he was trying to convince me that he thought the same as I did now, but for me, I am entirely not convinced.

So when I heard that, I could tell that I became more guarded. And though we talked for a couple hours and it was fun to talk with him, I was guarded, I didn’t really share anything that personal with him (ie my history, my parents situation, etc). So it was a fine conversation to have. He is fun to talk to to. I was disappointed that he is still married, and I’m sure he could tell, right? So he walked me to the friend’s house I was going to (Bee was going to give me a ride home since I live sorta far from the downtown, and of course, deconstruct the date with her!). It was cold, so I walked with my hands in my pockets (but would have anyway) and not too close to him (didn’t want to lead him on). When we got to the house, we said goodbye (I had already decided that if he asked me out again I would tell him he was really nice, etc, but that I was uncomfortable dating someone who was separated/still technically married.) He didn’t. Though he did give me a mix CD he made for me. I thanked him, he went to kiss me on the cheek I imagine since that is what I offered, and said, See you soon, to which I replied yes, See you around. So I haven’t gotten an email or anything from him, maybe he got it? Maybe not? But if he does email/call me, I will tell him that we can only be friends, etc.

So that was the date. In retrospect, I will say I was less excited due to the previous nights’ stand-up and the immediate confirmation of marriage/divorce/whatever you want to call it. So though it was a nice conversation time, that’s about it.

So now to Monday. We shall see. I think I will be more compatible in some ways with that guy, though he is not an immigrant, and it’s usually hard for me to feel totally connected to a partner who is not, I don’t find him cute or anything based on facebook profiles, but I am cautiously optimistic… that at the very least, I will make another friend.

Also gets me thinking of this guy in our department who my friends are convinced likes me, who I think is super-hot, an immigrant, and pretty Catholic, but who I could not date because he smokes like a chimney and just sitting next to him in class gives me a migraine. It’s like why can’t I combine the best parts of you all and make the guy who’s right for me?!

Anyway, now to do lots of reading before my friends come over for dinner and pie making tonight…



  1. First, dear JustMe, you must be one of the sweetest women in the whole world. Which is wonderful but I still want to kick this guy in the shins. A few times.

    I’m glad you decided he’s not worthy of romantic feelings – the lack-of-explanation thing was not cool, but the still married with vague plans toward fixing that is a Huge Red Flag. The only thing I like about this guy is that he recognizes how lovely you are.

    That being said, I’m so happy you have close friends and are busy and social! I can’t wait to hear more stories and hope there’s soon one that’s romantic and wonderful enough to make up for this loser in the beginning.

  2. Still married thing would be a deal breaker for me– especially if she’s STILL IN THE COUNTRY! Yikes. You’re smart to steer clear of him. I sense drama.

    p.s. Am I the only one who would’ve been uncomfortable with the kiss hello? That’s too Hollywood for me.

  3. I with Katie. I but I would have aimed a little higher!

    I am glad you are out there meeting new people and having some fun.

  4. Thanks for sharing all the details!

    It sounds like you handled it well. The “still married” thing sucks. I’m glad he was honest, at least … but all kinds of BIG RED FLAGS and YELLOW CAUTION TAPE there.

    And yeah, I agree that the smoking thing is a deal-breaker. Cigarette smoking is such a migraine trigger. Ugh.

    Don’t worry, there are more men out there. You’re beautiful, you’re smart, and you have a great personality. I suspect we are going to be hearing lots more dating stories ….

  5. yikes. still married? no. not unless you know that the divorce is in progress.

    hold out for what you want!

  6. Kisses hello would have turned me off sooner than anything else. I’m very big on the my space/your space thing though.

    Am I correct to understand she’s (wife) is in another department AT YOUR SCHOOL? If so, wow.

    Glad you won’t date him again, I keep hearing of too many nice people dating married but separated guys and getting treated like crap. As far as smoking goes…you could always get him to quit. My husband managed to get me to quit.

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