And as such, can’t concentrate on her work. My actual tweets from the past few hours:

– how do people accomplish work when they’re so happy they can’t think? b.c i can’t concentrate to save my life right now…

– you know, 300 is better than 3000.

– what i want to do: work on nsf app. what i should do: reading for class, yuck

– is so happy she can’t stop smiling

they are related. how come when you’re excited about something and want to share no one is around and what you really should be doing is ignoring your excitement and instead working?

I had a rough couple weeks, especially with a deadline for a huge grant that I have been planning on applying for since before I even started grad school, coming up in a few weeks.

Being sick always turns my brain to mush, so I got a late start on it. But things are good now. I have a draft of part one done. Almost finished with a draft of part 2, just one more section to write, and part 3 left. This will be okay. And at least I will have tried.

And tomorrow I am quite excited for a very exciting thing that I don’t want to reveal yet because I am sort of paranoid, but let’s just say, I am super excited. But trying not to be b/c you know, you never know.

• I have been sick. The first part of the sick is going away, and I feel like I’m developing the sick, 2.0. throat is better. But I feel nauseous and on the verge of vomiting all day long. And super weak. See, it’s times like these when I think, there is no fricking way, no matter how much I prayed, or etc, that I would be ok being pregnant. Freaking nausea wipes me out. I can’t work or sleep. I would be the worst academic ever, yes, I’ll gp up fro tenure around age 50. taking you know, 9 months pre and like 2 years post off per pregnancy. Plus my future husband would have to be a saint. Yah right on that.
• I had the scariest thought, while sick in bed yesterday. What if being sick means never getting married and that I can’t take care of kids.
• I havent read blogs in a bajillion years. I miss Katie and PhDMe. Somehow they got to the double digits and I wanted to catch up all at once and they along with some others have been neglected. I’m sorry ladies.
• OMG. in getting those links I see that I have missed a lot. Oh dear. I am thinking and praying for both you ladies.
• It’s cold here. Grad school is hard. Theory is hard. Maybe I’m not cut out for this.
• Parents need friends. And I’m too sick and busy to know what to do.
• I think I do here less b/c of facebook. It’s easier and faster. But I do miss the blogging and community, as jo(e) mentioned on twitter the other day. I never realized how much time grad school plus sick people plus trying to write papers would prevent me from blogging.
• Nausea is horrible. I’m sorry I’m so whiny.
• I like someone but am worried. What’s new.
• Worst, being sick totally has made be behind in work, but also, ruined the weekend I was so excitedly waiting for. Freakin germs.

I wish people would stop assuming I have the summer off!

You know, I’m not blogging as much as I used to. And I’m not able to read your blogs as much as I want to. I usually have like 15 or so per person and then read them all at once and then sometimes  I feel like I have missed some important things in your lives, and then I feel like a jerk. There are some of you who I am now facebook friends with, so it is easier to keep up. So I’m not going to stop blogging or reading your blogs, I just feel like I need something for the daily stuff to keep connected until I can read over a blog more.

So here’s the deal. If I am not already your friend, I want to be your friend on facebook!! So comment and I’ll send you an email with my info, or email me, or something!

Around 2 am I always have the best ideas for blog posts. Ready to go. And then I try to remember what they were during the day, and can’t. How lame am I? In other news, I haven’t listened to Abba in way too long. That is currently being rectified.

I used to be able to type papers in Word at 90 or 100%. Now 125% seems too small and I put it at 145% so I don’t feel as bad as if it were at 150%.

So I’m doing pilates now. And this is totally random, but hey, it’s my lame blog and I’ll be lame and random if I want to!

So certain starting positions are sitting with your legs crossed on the floor. When I was in elementary school and kindergarten I remember especially, sitting this way was called sitting Indian Style. Clearly problematic, no? But they made us make construction paper feather headdresses and taught us lies about Thanksgiving, so clearly not the worst thing. Still, I have not used that name for that particular sitting position for some time, once I learned more. Well my pilates instructor said to start off by sitting down “crisscross applesauce”. And I mean, I got what she meant b/c she sat down that way too. I told her I’d never heard it being called that, and she said yah, that’s what people say now b/c Indian style isn’t politically correct. (Aside: I hate the term politically correct. It’s always struck me as just appeasement, not wanting to get “in trouble”, and as not really getting why it’s inappropriate to say etc etc.) Anyway, I asked if that’s what they taught kids nowadays. She didn’t know.

So I wonder, is that what they’re saying in schools now for when kids need to sit cross-legged? What do you call it?

I’ll write more about the new guy I have been talking to. Christian guy. I guess I’ll continue my smart naming and call him Chris. Yes, I took the time to make a graph. What else do you do after you receive an email that makes you sad? In a nutshell: We have talked a bunch on the phone. He lives an hour away. We set up our first meeting/date for next weekend. On the phone last night, he told me his mom is sick. She has the exact same health issue that I have. Hers is much worse, ie can bearly leave the house. Mine is fairly mild. He asked questions, I answered them. He seemed fine with everything when he realized that I was not as sick as his mom. This morning he emails that he has to think about things b/c what if I get worse, like his mom. For the love of crap, if a person has a sister who has not been able to have kids (the Boy) or a person whose mom has the same thing (Chris) can’t understand, what hope is there for anyone to be empathtic, understanding, etc.??? I just want to give up sometimes.

Hmm, perhaps blogging about boys is the kiss of death? I might believe that if I believed in luck and curses and all that crap.

So, Gin and I broke up. Or rather, he broke up with me. Apparently guys are great with me, things get serious, and then they freak.

Problem? The health issues. Again. Alright, thanks for not making me feel defective or anything.

I clicked so much better with Gin than with the Boy. I wondered about religion being an issue, but figured why worry about that now, it’s only been three months. Gin is a very rational person, like descions are made very systematically. He didn’t want to break up with me, but the evidence pointed to that being the necessary action to avoid a future painful breakup. He still like me and will miss me, he can’t bring himself to delete my messages on his machine b/c he loves my voice.

He recognizes he is being selfish, he had to sacrifice so much in his last serious realtionship, he is scared of having to do that again and he knows it sucks for him to say these things (re: my health issues) b/c imagine how I (JustMe) must be feeling.

So, sadness again. I am in an every six months lets get our heart stomped on program and I don’t remeber signing up for it. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier (as if I had any control over this) if I had gotten my health issues once I was already married. B/c then wouldn’t the husband have to deal with, or I guess, be more able to deal with it? B/c he would have been part of the process. Knowing my luck he would have found out and run. It’s so much easier to be like, well this will be hard, is it worth it to keep dating? I guess people tend to assume things will be good and easy and are shocked when it’s hard? I just know that there will be many trials in life. And I guess it is better to know now then years down the road. But that doesn’t make it suck any less. Yep, in fact it sucks a shitload.