I used to be able to type papers in Word at 90 or 100%. Now 125% seems too small and I put it at 145% so I don’t feel as bad as if it were at 150%.

So I’m doing pilates now. And this is totally random, but hey, it’s my lame blog and I’ll be lame and random if I want to!

So certain starting positions are sitting with your legs crossed on the floor. When I was in elementary school and kindergarten I remember especially, sitting this way was called sitting Indian Style. Clearly problematic, no? But they made us make construction paper feather headdresses and taught us lies about Thanksgiving, so clearly not the worst thing. Still, I have not used that name for that particular sitting position for some time, once I learned more. Well my pilates instructor said to start off by sitting down “crisscross applesauce”. And I mean, I got what she meant b/c she sat down that way too. I told her I’d never heard it being called that, and she said yah, that’s what people say now b/c Indian style isn’t politically correct. (Aside: I hate the term politically correct. It’s always struck me as just appeasement, not wanting to get “in trouble”, and as not really getting why it’s inappropriate to say etc etc.) Anyway, I asked if that’s what they taught kids nowadays. She didn’t know.

So I wonder, is that what they’re saying in schools now for when kids need to sit cross-legged? What do you call it?

I’ll write more about the new guy I have been talking to. Christian guy. I guess I’ll continue my smart naming and call him Chris. Yes, I took the time to make a graph. What else do you do after you receive an email that makes you sad? In a nutshell: We have talked a bunch on the phone. He lives an hour away. We set up our first meeting/date for next weekend. On the phone last night, he told me his mom is sick. She has the exact same health issue that I have. Hers is much worse, ie can bearly leave the house. Mine is fairly mild. He asked questions, I answered them. He seemed fine with everything when he realized that I was not as sick as his mom. This morning he emails that he has to think about things b/c what if I get worse, like his mom. For the love of crap, if a person has a sister who has not been able to have kids (the Boy) or a person whose mom has the same thing (Chris) can’t understand, what hope is there for anyone to be empathtic, understanding, etc.??? I just want to give up sometimes.

Hmm, perhaps blogging about boys is the kiss of death? I might believe that if I believed in luck and curses and all that crap.

So, Gin and I broke up. Or rather, he broke up with me. Apparently guys are great with me, things get serious, and then they freak.

Problem? The health issues. Again. Alright, thanks for not making me feel defective or anything.

I clicked so much better with Gin than with the Boy. I wondered about religion being an issue, but figured why worry about that now, it’s only been three months. Gin is a very rational person, like descions are made very systematically. He didn’t want to break up with me, but the evidence pointed to that being the necessary action to avoid a future painful breakup. He still like me and will miss me, he can’t bring himself to delete my messages on his machine b/c he loves my voice.

He recognizes he is being selfish, he had to sacrifice so much in his last serious realtionship, he is scared of having to do that again and he knows it sucks for him to say these things (re: my health issues) b/c imagine how I (JustMe) must be feeling.

So, sadness again. I am in an every six months lets get our heart stomped on program and I don’t remeber signing up for it. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier (as if I had any control over this) if I had gotten my health issues once I was already married. B/c then wouldn’t the husband have to deal with, or I guess, be more able to deal with it? B/c he would have been part of the process. Knowing my luck he would have found out and run. It’s so much easier to be like, well this will be hard, is it worth it to keep dating? I guess people tend to assume things will be good and easy and are shocked when it’s hard? I just know that there will be many trials in life. And I guess it is better to know now then years down the road. But that doesn’t make it suck any less. Yep, in fact it sucks a shitload.

So, first off, thank you to everyone for your moving advice. all very helpful!

I have finished my first paper and have one more due in a couple days, that I hope to finish the majority of today. After I write this post of course

So, Gin. Not the alcoholic kind of course. And I guess that would make me the tonic? I don’t know, I will probably not make much sense here, so at least you’ve been warned.

I am conflicted about Gin. I am very physically attracted to Gin. I like Gin as a person. I respect Gin. I am intellectually attracted to him. I don’t know if I am spiritually attracted to him. I know that though I speak of these kinds of attraction as discrete categories, that they are not, and are overlapping, etc. I just don’t know about the whole religion thing. What have I said so far? I don’t know, I am too lazy to go back and check. He grew up Catholic. Chose to be reconfirmed, etc at age 17/18. Would go to church all the time in college. At a particular point, he stopped going. He says that he still prays everyday. He doesn’t go right now. Though he says that he wants to raise his kids that way. He says his mom is very Catholic, and though his dad didn’t believe, he liked that his dad agreed with those morals, etc and that it makes for a good moral upbringing. I worry that he will be okay with that situation again, ie a very Catholic/religious partner, and he respects it, but doesn’t necessarily believe it, you know? Why does this matter to me? My non-religious friends, some tell me that since this seems so important to me, I should do a Christian dating site. Some say that when you meet people they are not always the way you want/expect them to be. I told my bible study group last night. With very few details. The bible study I’m in is Christian grad student women. I am the oldest among them, most are 22-23. One is 25. We were talking about prayer requests at the end, and one of the girls, 25, was saying how she and her boyfriend are looking at rings and needed guidance, etc. And one of the 22 year olds was saying how she misses her new boyfriend and how they are getting serious. And I asked for them to pray for me as I am maybe starting a new relationship and I am unsure. Of course they got all excited and started asking me questions. And one of the girls asked me if he loved Jesus. And I said, well, he grew up Catholic, etc etc. And then she said, Proceed with caution. And that just started me thinking. I mean yes, I want to date a strong Christian man. And that is/was one of my concerns when we first started talking/going out. But at the same time, I realize, and maybe this is b/c I’m older, I don’t know, that not everyone is always as strong a Christian as they could be, as they have been, as they will be. I went through times when I did not go to church at all. At the same time, I always felt the desire/urge/guilt something like I should go, like I was missing something, and when I would go back, it was always like, whoa, look what I’ve been missing, what took me so long to get here! What if he is just okay about not going, you know? I know what you might be thinking, well JustMe, why don’t you ask him! Ok, yah, I should. I will. I am scared b/c of what happened with the Boy. I am scared of getting serious and him pulling away. I am scared of him rejecting me when he finds out my issues. I am scared of him rejecting me when he finds out my issues mean I prolly can’t have kids. I am scared of him rejecting me period. And I know, everyone is scared of that, sure. I feel like I should tell him my issues. But then Bee says not to try and scare him away, so that if he will hurt me he hurts me now rather than later. Yah, I don’t know. I am just so confused. I go from giddy to sad to depressed like everyday.

He called me last night. It was good. We talked and it was good. When we were trying to figure out when to see each other before I leave for a couple weeks, first he said he could do tonight. Then at the end when I asked him around what time  (so i could plan my work) he’s like, well let me just call you and i’m not sure I can even see you b/c i have to go to the gym after work, then the grocery to buy stuff to then cook for our potluck at work tomorrow. And I was like, ok, that’s fine. While inside thinking…”can’t you try to make an effort to see me, wouldn’t you try harder if you really wanted to see me?” But maybe I am expecting him to act in way that’s not him, that society says should be him otherwise “maybe he’s just not that into me” and heck, maybe he isn’t. in which case, i wish i could just know.

Anyway, that’s where I am. Wondering if this is what God wants me to be doing right now, or if I am just following my own physical and emotional desires. And also questioning where Gin’s mind is in all of this.

What I *should* do is not think about this anymore, and concentrate on work. And finish it soon. And then do the lots and lots of things I need to do before the move happens… I wish that really would happen instead of my emotions being on a constant roller-coaster.

Hi, So, the move is happening. I have never done a multi-person move, and never with movers, always u-haul. I have heard many horror stories. So, I ask you all out there in bloglandia who have done long, ideally west to east coast type moves, what moving companies have you used? have they sucked? b/c i will want to avoid those…

in other news, the semester is ending and i have a million things to do.

This post might meander, brace yourselves.

Today was meant to be productive. I woke up rather early with no alarm, which I prefer, since I hate waking up to an alarm, I wish I could wake up everyday whenever my body felt like it.

Then the roofer guy came finally, because the roof in my bathroom is leaking. He had to take out the light fixture and look up into the attic b/c there is no crawlspace…anyway, what resulted was a one foot high, NO JOKE, pile of grey dust, which I later learned to be insulation, on my bathroom floor, In my sink, on my toilet….yah. That took forever to clean up. And I kept stripping down layers to do it. First shoes. Then robe, then socks, then pants. I swept and mopped and swept some more but it was still everywhere. I finally got down on my knees picking up pieces of insulation dust with wet paper towels. I did the floor and hallway floor. The sink I decided to do later I was so tired. Then I went out into my garage, which had bunches of insulation dust all around. Great. Aren’t you like not supposed to breathe in insulation? Or is that only the pink one I’m familiar with from California? I feel like there is fiberglass in insulation. Am I making that up? Just decided to google it, and apparently grey insulation does not contain fiberglass. Lets hope that’s true. In any case, I wore a bandanna cowboy style over my mouth as I cleaned. Thing is, I have a large carpet mat in my garage for shoes, etc. And the dust was all up in there. Since its fricking snowing outside, I couldn’t really bring it out and hose it down. So I decided to cut up a cardboard box and lay it over the large mat until the weather improves. At this point. I’m wearing panties and a shirt. No shoes, no pants. The stuff just kept sticking to my clothes so I kept taking things off and throwing it in the washer. So there I am on my garage floor, butt towards the door, cutting up cardboard. It was at this moment I realized how undressed I was and that my garage door contains windows and that I really hoped no neighbors came by at that time. Though it would make for a better story, none did. I was so wiped after moving shoe racks and the table to put the cardboard on that I just went upstairs to rest. And then somehow, it became 7pm. I will say, I did watch Friday Night Lights and the last two episodes of Chuck, so the time did go somewhere, just no where productive.

And as I was watching, I was thinking. Always multitasking. Never very successfully. Anyway, I was thinking about Gin. And boys in general. As I was on the computer watching tv, someone from the dating site IM’d me. And we talked for a minute or two, we had talked before. And he asked me out and I said no. And Gin emailed me today, just a link about something, and I keep checking my email, in fact the mere typing mention of email made my eye glance down to my dock to see if I had any new messages. The answer is nope. Anyway, I am very attracted to him. I don’t know how this happened. When I’m looking at him I just lose track of time. This doesn’t make much sense. So I told him on our second date that I wanted to take things very slowly. We hugged at the end of each date, but that was it. The first date was a quick hug. And we would hug on greeting. At the end of the second date, it was a bit longer hug. During the third date, we went to see a movie and then dinner. My heart was pounding sitting next to him. It was so weird. I was just thinking, why am I feeling this way. Why am I so attracted to him. Is this just physical? I was hoping he’d try to hold my hand or something (wow, this sounds so lame, like so high school…feel free to laugh at me, just don’t tell me you’re laughing and leave me with some dignity.) During the movie at one point, when I had finally got up the nerve to put my arm on the arm rest, he touched my arm for a second, or two. Yes, that sounds lame, whatever, leave me alone. Anyway, we ate dinner, then he dropped me off. We hugged, it was a longer hug. Then we hugged again. Then he picked me up. I think that was the order. He was talking to me, but I can’t for the life of me remember what about or if I made any sense at all. At one point, I was like, o my gosh, he is sort of holding my hand here. How did this happen? I should invite him in, no I shouldn’t. I didn’t in the end. Anyway, my point is this. I have no memory of talking, but I know I was talking. I remember being like, I hope whatever I’m saying makes sense here b/c I can’t think anything other than wow, my heart sure is beating fast. What is the point in all this? I’m not really sure. This has never really happened to me. Not even with the Boy. I mean, when we were kissing or something, sure, I would be excited, but I would never lose my memory or anything, you know? So the point I’m trying to make here is, I think at least, that I am scared by how attracted to him I am. I am scared of getting hurt again. I am scared that this is just physical and I am going down a path of getting hurt. So I figured I should maybe think about what exactly I like about him.

Let me start by saying that I am also afraid of getting ahead of myself, and seeing/feeling something that isn’t there. Also, I am afraid of being rejected again for my health issues that scared the Boy away.

So right, here’s what I like. I’m trying to be rational here. (Which is really odd b/c in my academic studies, I see rationality as a masculinist myth that is constructed and we are taught not to just listen to our feelings or go with our emotions….hmm, then why do I turn to rationality to try to figure out what I should do? I have no idea. I’m just complex that way I guess. Whatever, moving on.)

• he is open minded. Likes to talk/discuss things
• he is funny, always makes me laugh
• he’s liberal, into green stuff, sustainability, etc
• he cares about other people, seems compassionate. ie he explained why he buys organic bananas. he knows that it doesn’t really matter so much with bananas, but it’s only 20 cents extra, and he’s willing to pay 20 cents extra if it means someone’s dad doesn’t come home covered in pesticides and his family gets sick
• he is not anti-feminism, is in fact receptive to it, i would say he has feminist leanings
• he takes marriage seriously. he told me that he is not on a timeline, ie get married right now, b/c it is a serious decision and he would rather be single his entire life than marry the wrong person
• hmm, this is hard. I keep thinking of “he’s so cute” “his eyes are so nice” and when we’re in the car and he sings, he is so cute.

Yah, I don’t know that I’ve come to any conclusions with that list. Perhaps that I need to know him better. And that perhaps it is wise to keep taking it slow. I haven’t told him about anything yet. ie issues re: me. he knows about my dad b/c he was having surgery on one of our dates and I felt like I had to explain since I would normally not answer the phone…

Where was I? I don’t know. I am scared of setting myself up for hurt again. What is this, you know? First, with  that other guy, Nick, when I told him I wasn’t interested, I think he was shocked. Like he thought we were already in some sort of relationship. And Gin has mentioned stuff, in joke though, like well, I can’t remember the words exactly, but the gist being: we’re in a relationship. like he would say something outrageous in joke, and I would say, sorry, i don’t think this is going to work if you think that, and he would say, oh, you’re quick to get out of this relationship. something along those lines. Usually, in my limited experience, there is a “what is this talk, ie is this a relationship.” And then maybe I think I am getting ahead of myself. Like maybe I should be more patient, and not bring it up? Maybe I am subconsciously wanting things to go faster. I should take things slow. I am just not a slow person. I even talk fast. I get excited about things and jump right in. Perhaps I should ease myself into the pool and not jump into the deep end. or even the shallow end.

Ok yah, so I’m sure this giant ramble distracted people, oh say, three paragraphs ago. But yah, these are my scattered thoughts. I don’t want to establish a physical relationship too soon, however one defines that, b/c sometimes I think that can lead you to trust the person without necessarily building the foundation for it and you find yourself being too intimate before its time, you know? What do my friends say? That is the hard one. B/c my girls here, who I love, are not religious. So they don’t get that part of my struggle. And just tell me to have fun and take things slow. I am afraid to ask my Christian friends from college becuase I feel like they will tell me, not that I know, this is purely speculative, that I shouldn’t try to date someone who is not a strong Christian, with the hope that he will become one, that whole unequally yoked thing and all. So yah, maybe that means something? Or maybe that means nothing…

Anyone who’s still here, do I sound completely insane?

So, I went out with Nick. Totally not feeling it. I think it’s the lack of intellectual conversation that is my biggest turn off. Also, he is not a strong Christian. Which is funny, b/c my impressions on that are totally off. I assumed b/c Nick went to church he was more in tune with his faith than Gin, who hasn’t been to church in a while. Nick has actually never read the Bible. Not even parts/sections. I was kind of taken aback by that. Not that I want to date a theologian or something, but I guess why I was taken aback was that it was not what I expected. Plus, he is really into the Shack. Oh my, if you want to know more about that very problematic book, Anastasia has lots to say (yah, no direct links, sorry, I’m too lazy). So I’m not attracted to him. There’s no intellectual conversation or stimulation. So we went for coffee, and I was ready, in my mind at least, to say I think we should just be friends. But there was never a moment to say it, that felt right. At the end, we shook hands, I mean I was trying to give my I’m not interested vibe, but I’m not sure. Then he said for me to call him. I paused, of course this was on the street as I was trying to get to class. And part of me was like, ugh, just say it now! But I chickened out. He said he would call me later, and I said ok. Man do I suck. So he called me yesterday while I was in class, and I didn’t return his call. He saw me on chat today and I said hi, I said I was busy, and he said he would call me later. Thing is, I have plans with my ladies tonight. So I probably won’t answer if he calls then. But I should call him and tell him. It just yah, sucks, I mean didn’t he get it?

Anyway, onto more fun topics. Gin! I went out again with him last weekend. We had dinner, then went to a coffeehouse, then it closed and we went to a bar. We did a lot of talking. Then he drove me home. That was a big step for me b/c til then I had just met him places. He is really sweet. I am totally attracted to him. I want to know more about his religious thoughts. But part of me is like, maybe I shouldn’t like him. He doesn’t have the live faith that I desire to have in a serious relationship. And Bee and Cheeky tell me that you’re just getting to know him, and it’s normal, and etc. And while that is the case, they are not Christian and so I don’t think  they totally understand that aspect of me and my desire. Ultimately, I want to be with someone that I can worship with, someone I can pray with, someone I can pray for, someone who will want to pray for me, someone I can pray about our children with, you know? But at the same time, I do not want someone who is close-minded, anti-feminist, I want someone who can challenge and stimulate me intellectually and emotionally, someone I can joke with and laugh with, someone I can talk with. Why does it seem that those things need to be mutually exclusive? And i know its probably still too early to tell with Gin, and I should not think of these things. But I can’t help it, I do. I know I have nothing to worry about. Yet I worry and think.

So while I had a cold, I finally watched the last season of the Sopranos.

As there may be others out there who have yet to see it, be warned, spoiler alert.

So, what. the. heck. happened. The last episode? I read stuff online people wrote about it after. And I don’t know. Did he die? Arghhhh. Man, when they killed Christopher, he is so hot btw. Oh Micheal Imperioli. Why don’t you live near me? You’re the only reason I started watching Life on Mars, and now they are canceling the show?! What is up with that? But yah, back to Christopher, that poor guy never had a chance in that type of environment. Not a place for an addict. Plus all the discourses of masculinity swirling around. What a great show. Plus, it’s interesting how in the end the whole family, Carmela, and kids, were back in the mob life, despite trying to get away from it, it pulls you back in.

So yah, if any of you out there happen to be reading and watched The Sopranos, and could help me out on this finale business, that would be much appreciated.

So, online dating. Yah, I gave/am giving it a try. I remember post-doc did it. And I think others have to, I just can’t remember.

Talked to some guys/am talking to some guys.

Phil was my first date post-break up. He never contacted me again. Which is fine. He was fun to talk to to, but I wasn’t really attracted to him.

Today I went out with Gin. (I know, my pseudonyms are just crazy good, right? I am so not creative so huge props or cupcakes or whatever if you can figure this one out. Though I think Rented Life has an edge here as she knows the origin of Phil.)

He was cute in pictures. Cute in person. Great fun to talk with. We talked on IM and on the phone a bit the last couple weeks. We talked for hours without realizing it. I really like talking to him. He’s funny. And smart! Smart is good. There were some guys who when I’d ask what they did, lets just say, didn’t have the best answers. Not that I care what you do, I just want to have an intelligent conversation and you should be at a point in your life when you know what you’re doing/going to be doing. Telling me you just got a job at Payless so you’re “not a bum” does not impress me when you are 32 years old.

So, Gin. He’s really sweet. And sarcastic funny, which I am too, so that works out well, we usually get the other person’s humor. Right before I walked out of my building to meet Gin for lunch I ran into the Boy, not the first time. We said Hi and he asked how i was, I said good. Jerk. He really was selfish, in the relationship for himself. Didn’t even wish me a Happy Birthday. On facebook even, I’m not asking for flowers. Supposedly we’re “friends”. My butt we are. Can you tell I’m a little bitter? Thing is, I don’t know that I’m truly over him. It hasn’t been that long after all. But I’m trying to be proactive about getting over him, since my usual pattern of taking at least 1 if not more years is not good. Honestly, when I ask myself if he came and apologized and said he changed, and wanted me back (which he clearly NEVER will), there is still part of me that would say YES, of course! Because dating, you see stuff. Like he was a strong Christian, and that’s important to me. And the home country link, also so important. But I just need to remember when I do pose myself that question, the bad stuff and that he sucks. Until I stop comparing other guys to him and stop even asking myself that question about what if.

How did this become about the Boy? Shoot, freaking boys. Anyway, Gin is nice. I am attracted to him. He is not really a strong Christian right now. And I think I need that. Anyway, we’ll see.

I am also talking with another guy. His name shall be Nick. He is really nice, not as academic, ie he doesn’t like to read. That’s important to me. But he is more Christian. Yet from pictures, I don’t think I can be attracted to him at all. We spoke on the phone after we had been chatting on skype for a week or so. And he is calling me everyday. Not that I mind talking to him. And it’s not stalker-ish or anything. But it’s too, comfortable. Does that make sense? I’m in getting to know you phase. Not in tell me all about your day and lets talk all the time, because let’s face it, we’re not in a relationship here. I keep using the word friend. I am going to meet him for coffee or something this week. He’s a nice guy, but yah. I don’t know. He’s sort of a linebacker type guy in terms of body. And I’m not really attracted to that. I’m a rather smaller person. And he has tattoos, big ones. And no offense to people who have them, they just don’t do anything for me. And the big ones, sort of a turnoff.

Last guy, we’ll call him Frank. I am absolutely not attracted to him, based on photos. He is very, dorky looking. (Gosh I must sound like a total brat or superficial princess, I promise I’m not really). I am a total academic dork, that’s fine with me. But he has a combover and big 80s guy glasses. He’s like the guys on Beauty and the Geek, before the makeovers. Not that he needs a makeover, but guys seriously, if you are losing/lost your hair, just accept it or deal with it. We don’t care. I dated someone who was bald. I have been attracted to bald guys. Many guys lose their hair. Your combover isn’t fooling anyone. Anyway,  he’s a new History prof at another local college. Talking to him is fabulous. He is Catholic and very strong in his faith. We have only talked on skype online. I don’t know…Man, sometimes I feel like I am too picky. Like I shouldn’t care about how he looks. He’s everything I say I want on paper — strong Christian, smart, funny, feminist, etc. Yet being attracted to the person is important…

Man, why do we like the people that we do? Freaking hearts. Or hormones. Or pheromones. Or whatever. I am really attracted to Gin. Though I don’t know if I should be you know. We are going out for a second date. We’ll see.